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Broken



I often sit and wonder if my purpose and vision will ever get the opportunity to flourish. Many years I've battled with my inner self in the pursuit of happiness and understanding of who I am. For many years I have compromised who I am to fit in. I connected with individuals who I felt were common or similar in regards to their upbringing and goals in life. I later identified that I am in fact similar as far as my up bringing. With regards to growing up in a single mother home however, for many years that was the only common denominator. The feeling and need to be accepted and appreciated by people and not God will overtake you and cause many years of pain if you allow it to happen.  


Happiness to me for many years has been in the love of self fulfillment and attention. This was usually from people who slowly drained my heart,  mind, body, and soul. Key factor, I Annette allowed this to happen. At an early age I knew that there was something different about me when compared to my siblings and family. I had the desire to be loved and noticed from the opposite sex before I begin middle school. I would always hear my family say that I desired to get attention from the opposite sex. As much as I tried to fight this judgement it was in fact true. I had desired to feel loved and noticed from a male. I did not realize until I was in my late twenties that my first feeling of hurt was as a child maybe second or third grade. This hurt was so deep it would take years to repair and understand.


My mother and father had chosen to go separate ways when my brother and I were four and five years old. We went from residing with our mother and father in Virginia to moving to NC. My brother and I began our schooling and new life in NC. I didn't realize what was taking place but I knew that we (my mom,brother and I) would now be closer to our family and dad wouldn't be around as much. My mother went above and beyond to ensure that we were properly cared for and nurtured. As this transition in life begin there would be times that my brother and I would visit our dad in VA and spend days with him without our mothers company. I was always excited to visit my father.


On one particular occasion the visit to dad's was slightly different. If I remember correctly my brother and I were in maybe second and third grade we went to visit our dad in VA for a few days. This visit would be the visit that would eventually change my life and my feelings towards my father. I knew my mother and father were married but I really couldn't understand why we had to go so far to visit him. In my mind I thought my mom and dad were still together. During this particular visit my father had taken my brother and I to the beach. Upon arrival to the beach my father decided to invite a friend to come along. The friend he decided to bring along was that of a woman. As my brother and I played in one area of the beach my father and his friend entertained each other in another area. As my brother and I played in the sand I begin to notice that my dad who I had only knew to love my mother was now showing another woman the attention that only my mother should receive. As I tried to grasp what was going on, I in fact knew that my dad was not suppose to hug, kiss and embrace any other woman because he was supposed to only embrace my mom this way. I can remember a tight knot coming in my stomach and a sense of anger and confusion all at once. I was trying to grasp why my father was so happy to be in this woman's company. It was almost as if he was too occupied with this woman to pay us any attention.


This was the beginning of a disappointment that would last for several years. The pain I experienced on this day in my heart I will never go without recognizing. My life changed at this very moment. My little world crushed right before my face this particular day in my life. I knew that I now had a place of anger and hurt for my father that would take years to repair because I felt no one should receive the love and attention from him other than my mother, siblings, and I. I begin to fester a secret grudge and need for attention because I felt my father  had chose this woman over his family. It all begin to slowly make sense........... my dad didn't want a family!!!!


At least that's what I thought.



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