As Year 2018 closes and 2019 begins I’ve realized that it’s okay to not be okay.
2018 truly ended with a reboot of happiness and self fulfillment.
I have managed to conquer the feelings of hurt, confusion, and depression.
As I reflect back to the beginning of 2018, I compromised many feelings of being uncomfortable and under valued.
I was able to offer advice with a sincere heart while silently dying inside. Many days I put my feelings in the background to push many others to their potential.
One of the most difficult gifts God has managed to assign to me has been to carry the burdens of others. There are times when I want to throw in the towel and say enough is enough. The love and sense of knowing that my listening ear or non judgmental view may keep someone alive has merely been my means for survival.
Somehow within being a shoulder to lean on I forgot to care for me. I carried the smile of woman who saw the world fearlessly however I was full of sorrow and pain. There were many nights of sobbing & asking God to give my gifts to someone more fitting.
As I carried the burdens of my family and friends,the weight begin to bury me. I experienced big decisions regarding employment, the deaths of 2 unborn children and unbearable days of sickness causing 2 surgeries. One being life or death.
And to make matters worst, a dismantled 6 year relationship. As I replay my year within my head, I’ve realized all things are already ordained according to our purpose in life.
After 10 years of protecting content I randomly decided to publish my thoughts & feelings! My dear friend encouraged me to take a leap of faith. I had run out of options and and it was time to release my feelings with the hopes of setting someone else free. I wanted to talk about what I’ve been through but writing felt so much better.
On November 20, 2018 I decided to open my heart up to the world. Although many other things had gotten me to the point of feeling useless on this day God touched my heart. As I pressed publish to my blog there was a feeling that instantly came over my body. The feeling is indescribable. I know it was right though. I was getting my hair done and I begin to weep. It was so weird. As the tears fell I begin to feel freedom fall right upon my lap.
So although I lost myself along the way, I regained my strength in a unpredictable way. God has a way of giving us exactly what we need when we least expect.
2018 taught me how to regain my life! It taught me to take time for self care. It taught me to pray more. It taught me to stress less. It taught me to be more vigilant regarding my heart. It taught me to love in-spite of. But most importantly 2018 taught me that God will meet you where you are. Healing starts with surrendering. I have a ways to go but I’m feeling great about the promises for my life in 2019!!!!