I can’t understand for the life of me why vulnerability continues to creep in and torture me.
I’m sure many of you can relate to this. The feeling is all too familiar for me. There’s usually a feeling of penalty, attack and harm either physically or emotionally.
It’s like an indescribable sense of pain that often comes at a time when all seems to be aligning in life appropriately.
You know sometimes those waves of storms come to attack you in multiple areas all at once.
Most recently during one of my sessions with my therapist I was confronted with an intense feeling of being powerless and unable to control my emotions. I was encouraged to allow my mind to drift back to the age of 7. Oh boy! I immediately felt a lump in my throat and my stomach sank to my feet.
In life when we’ve experienced numerous amounts of trauma, those feelings may resurface at any given moment. The thought of having to explain how I felt regarding my 7 year old self almost made me sick to my stomach.
As an adult , when I am faced with various situations that require vulnerability I often experience a similar emotion or feeling. I fear that being vulnerable will lead to heartache. Which in most cases it usually does for me. However at the end of my session I felt overwhelmed yet enlightened.
I have constantly confused being vulnerable with the ability to align boundaries. I trust before trust is earned. I give while receiving nothing or very little emotionally. Somewhere down the line I’ve been taught to give others the benefit of doubt, there’s good in everyone. (Do whattttt? 🙄)
Although I’m unable to control anyone other than myself, this statement alone has allowed me to develop some very toxic qualities. I’ve allowed others to define boundaries for myself by feeling obligated to carry their burdens. In retrospect at times I’ve felt that if I give love and support to others in return I’d be provided the same.
Unfortunately ,more than half of the time that isn’t the case. Most importantly I have learned through those vulnerable oppositions that responsibility for peace is ultimately up to me. I have the ability to redefine any given situation based upon my response.
Life will consist of many test. Sometimes I feel like I’m losing myself because I’d rather respond to hurt with hurt. However the opposing circumstances have create strength. And when there is no other option left strength becomes relevant and often leads to victory!
The last few months I’ve felt as though my voice had been silenced. I was unable to verbalize my thoughts and tremendously heavy hearted. Sometimes what or who we think we need to increase our love for ourself is just a simple reminder that let downs are a part of life. We must learn to love ourselves in the exact place we are in the moment! Emptiness and defeat are tactics that Satan often uses to place a pause on the promises for freedom and love!
I’ve been test in many areas, personal, job as well as my kids. Just when I think there’s no more fight God gifts me with hope and reminders that life isn’t as bad as it seems.
I have decided that I won’t allow feeling alone, not good enough, or being mistreated to cause me to revert from the person I’ve grown to be today.
It’s been 2 months since I’ve released a blog due to feeling undervalued or simply undeserving.
I apologize for the pause between life’s circumstances. I’m back and the marathon continues!!!
Xoxo ~Annie Lynn~